Nightmare

I just repost this writing of mine which was posted on my previous blog. It was written on 11/Nov/2002.

Last night, and like the other nights, I dreamt about my first girl of my life.
She came up with a beautiful innocent smile. She liked, cared about, and loved me. We hanged out and shared everything together. She talked to me in nice and sweet voice. I really remember her smile, her beautiful smile. This was driving me insane. I wanted to be close to her and hoped nothing was going to break us apart. This made me think that she was the one for me the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. I loved her with every beat of my heart. But who knows what tomorrow will bring?

We went through the good and the bad times together. Until one day…

Sadly, the time had come. She just disappeared. I was looking for her everywhere. I was so worried. Day without her seemed like year. The next day, a friend of her told me they found her. I was so excited to see the love of my life again. I thought I would not let her go away even in a shot of time.

Even more sadly, she turned up to be a very different kind of girl. She didn’t even talk to me but to other friends she was just like before. I wondered why? Did I do anything wrong? No, both in my real life and in my first minutes sweet dream and last minutes nightmare. Never that I could possibly hurt her physically or emotionally.

She went away from me without words. All my life was turned up side down. It was killing me. I am just a man I have a heart. It cut me deep inside and it hurt so bad.

That was my dream is all about. After I woke up I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world and I felt like crying. I hate that dream. I want to get rid of these feelings and the dream. I thought I got over it once already. But now, It keep haunting me over and over again. I have enough of this. Why doesn’t it leave me alone?

I want her no more in my memory. Only if I could program myself to delete that part of my memory I would but I couldn’t. Is it the feeling that will last in me forever? Everybody says “The first cut is the deepest.” And I have to admit it.